I'm Sorry Baby

Funny how my few last post was about my experience delivering my first born, Zaara. Now few post later I'm about to post about my second experience delivering my second one. But am not going to do it in this post. Was cuddling Alya just now, and my head was thinking about Zaara. When she is not around I can't stop thinking about her, miss her. But when she is around I can't stop screaming (baby type) at her, well got to put a remark just incase. Tak pasal-pasal someone will report me to that family ministry tu, can't remember the full name of the ministry. Whatevs. Anyway, back to Zaara. So how soon is soon really? I mean for the second one. We didn't plan or anything for the second one. It just sort of happened. Rezeki for me and Azmi. Ever since I was heavily pregnant Zaara started acting a little bit manja-ish. Always wants to be picked up, always acting up, like as if she knew that her life is about to change in few more months. 

Everytime I'm mad at her for doing things that she's not supposed to, and yeah she is in her super active phase, so you can already imagine the things that a one year old likes to do, do things that your mom says DON'T. I felt guilty right after I marah her. Lagi-lagi after a while then tengok that cheeky looking girl, I immediately felt like I'm a bad mother. What on earth am I doing. She's only one for god sake. She don't even understand right or wrong. She's literally just and still a baby. Ya Allah forgive my sins, as I am not able to take care this amanah that you gave me like a good mother should. We stole the attention that she should be getting away from her. Can't help but feel like crying everytime I put her to sleep and I would just stare at that innocent face and just tell her how sorry I felt. 

Zaara, if your going to read this one day, Mama just want you to know that I love you so much. When you do things that I told you not to, it didn't change the way I feel about you. I still love you as much. And even when Alya is here, I still love you as much. When I had to be separated from you because I had to get your sister out into this world, it hurts me. It's our first time apart, it's our first time not sleeping together. I'm sorry Zaara :(

baby boo