Only She Knows

This post is going to be a bit serious, so lets put our heart and soul into it :)

So last Saturday, on the 22nd Jan, my dad received a call from back home, telling that his uncle's wife just passed away. I am not very sure why, but she was hospitalized for a week before she died, but she was already at home the day she died. So basically all of us went back to Bentong to pay a visit, we didnt get the chance to see her for the last time because by the time we reached at the surau, they were already getting ready for the solat jenazah. But we still managed to tag along to the cemetery for the burial, talkin and all.

So after all that, we decided to drop by at my late grandmother's (Wan) house which is now being taken care of by my dad's sister. She served us teh tarik and the usual family chat. Everytime there is death in the family, especially the elderly, it definitely remind us back on that very day when Wan left all of us for eternity. My late Wan died because of cancer. The last few months before she died, you can see changes to her body until the day she stopped breathing, her corpse was a bit yellowish because her liver can no longer functioned I think.

So we were talking about how we can still feel her presence especially when we enter the house and the first thing we see is this couch that she usually sit on. And the feeling is much more stronger when we enter the room where she was in coma for few days and finally stopped breathing. My late Wan was an awesome woman. She have travelled to so many places, she raised 9 children by herself ever since her husband died during the 80's, she never gets tired of walking, imagine that Great Wall of China, she almost reached the top which I don't think I even have the stamina to do so. She can even be a writer with all the experiences she have. One fact that I just found out about her is that she actually wrote all her daily activities in a diary. And she have it every year. So my aunty showed us one of her diaries from year 2000 I think and I started opening each sheets wanting to not miss any of it. That one page made a well of tears rolling down my cheeks, I didnt remember the exact words, but it is something like this

" Semua dah pulang menuju ke destinasi masing-masing, yang kerja pulang berkerja, yang belajar pulang belajar. Terasa sebak dan kekosongan di hati. Seperti hilang arah tuju tidak tahu hendak buat apa"

It was actually longer than that, but I can't remember the words in that particular page. Thats the life shes been living for all these years, all alone in the house, no one to talk to, just waiting for weekends or the holidays, for the house to finally be filled and she finally have company again. One thing about this side of the family is that they're not the type that expresses love openly. It is completely the opposite with the other side where all I wanna do when I see my atuk is to kiss her and hug her as long as possible. That is one thing that I regret the most, for not doing the same thing to my late Wan just because everyone isnt like that. By just looking at her face, you can already tell that all she wants is for people to come to her and talk to her, hug her and ask how is she doing. If I can turn back the time, it wont just be a regular salam, but I definitely will hug her and kiss her everytime I see her so that she knows we care about her. That was just by reading one diary, I cant imagine reading piles of it.

So people, if you still have both of your grandparents, just because the big family is not the affectionate type, we dont have to be like that as well. Show to them that we really love them and care about them while we still can. Kiss and hug them all you want. Or all you have left is regret.

Atuk ♥