Imma Cry Baby

Tuesday marks exactly 3 months I have become a Mama. A Mama to Zaara Ariana. Up until now, everytime I see Zaara I still can't believed the fact that me and Azmi have a child now. A child that we are responsible for, to make sure that she only deserves the best. Before this, I only hear people at the office telling me how they misses their kid so much when they have to go to work, when they have to leave their kid at a nursery or something. And the only respond I could give was "Oh kesiannye", thats all. Because I really don't get it. I mean like chill la, you will see your kid after work eventually, thats life. NOW, when I have my own child, I totally get it. In fact, I have become one of those obsessive overly attached mother. When we found out that Zaara had jaundice, we immediately got her to the hospital. The paed that was assigned to Zaara dont have a clinic session on that day so the nurse had to get her to come to the hospital, and the latest that she could come was around 12 noon. SO we had to wait for nearly 2 hours for her to come, and I actually cried because of that. Kesian my baby could not be checked immediately :(. And when the paed came, she did a brief check up on Zaara and had to do a blood test to check on her jaundice reading. Another super emotional moment for me *cried again*, because me and Azmi were not allowed to be in the room so I can only hear Zaara crying from the outside T_T. I think I cried more than Zaara did. Thank god her reading was below 300 so no admittion needed. Or else I will be in tears again watching her in the incubator T_T T_T

Not.fun.at.all. 

My poor baby :'(

After the blood test

You see, I have been by Zaara's side like 24 hours ever since we got out of the hospital. Even until I was done with my confinement. I was like literally with her all the time. Then, two weeks before my maternity leave was over we started looking for a babysitter, initially we wanted to send Zaara to Azmi's mother *who leaves in Kota Damansara* but thinking of the distance plus the crazy traffic jams, we had to find someone else closer to our house. And finally a week before I started work, my mom found this lady who can babysit small babies, which of course through a recommendation from her friend. I even thought of quitting my job, so that I can stay at home and raise Zaara on my own but I could not just make decisions like that. I can't put everything on Azmi's shoulder right now. Not now, maybe InsyaAllah one day. Who knows. So now I really understand why some mothers willingly gives up everything just to raise their own child. Okay, back to the babysitter story. So the day my mom got her number, malam tu jugak my mom ajak pergi rumah babysitter tu. To get familiar with the direction to her house and to get to know her as well. Of course you would want to get to know the person *a complete stranger* you are about to leave your child with. So after the meet up, we all felt like we can put our trust on her to look after Zaara. She and her family seemed nice to me. Umi asked me to send Zaara to the babysitter's house the next day for a trial. Boleh kan babysitter pon ada trial-trial bagai. I was a bit reluctant at first because that would be my first time apart from Zaara and I was so not ready to let someone else to look after her yet. Like it or not terpaksa la jugak because I was about to start work soon. So on the day of the trial, we sent Zaara around 10-ish because me being obsessive I wanted to bathe her first and spend a bit more time with her. After sending her, I cried right away as soon as I got home T_T. Now I know exactly how it feels like! I just could not stop thinking about my baby, asyik duk risau je if she was doing alright at the new place or if she misses me too *okay, ini over*. Seksa sangat rasa nak tunggu sampai petang tu. Berjurai-jurai dah air mata dari pagi :'(. I was literally counting hours to 5pm from the time I sent her. Now that I have started working I am starting to accept slowly this new phase of life. Now dekat ofis hari-hari counting hours to get home je. As of now I have 7 more hours to go *sighh*

Wait for me Zaara!